I was reading a great article the other day by The Stir which basically described with hilarious clarity what it's like to be at home with children all day. I thought I would describe my typical "day off"...
Wednesday - leave work amid various "your weekend starts here" and "you lucky thing". Little do they know.
Thursday - Get woken at 3am, Son 1 no longer wears nappies at night so he has wet the bed. Change bed. Bed still wet, put towel under sheet, put third sheet on. Comfort Son 1. Son 2 wakes up, settle Son 2, go back to bed, it's now 4am. Lie awake worrying for 20 minutes.
6am - Son 2 wakes up for real this time. Bring him into our bed, he pulls my left earring clean out of my ear. Check skin for ripping, seems ok. Get hit over the head by a bottle of milk, decide to get up.
6.20 - Son 1 wakes up, has argument with Son 2 (Son 2 shouts NNANANANANANA) about which cartoon to watch.
6.30 - I get in the shower. Have to do 20 pretend sneezes whilst showering to keep Son 2 from crying. Shampoo my hair and foolishly close my eyes to wash it off. At this precise moment Son 2 opens the shower door which whacks me straight on the nose. There is nothing worse than being whacked on the nose when you have your eyes shut. Son 2 tries to climb in the shower repeatedly. Give up and turn shower off.
6.45 - Have argument with Son 1 about school, he doesn't want to go. It is still not yet 7am.
7am - Attempt to dress Son 2, he kicks me in the stomach, hard. I attempt to get him to lie still while I change his nappy. Give up and lie in bed for a few minutes, I'm already exhausted.
7.30 - go for breakfast, Son 1 claims he doesn't need food, Son 2 throw his entire bowl of cereal on the floor. Scrabble around cleaning it up, own clothes now filthy.
8am - Son 1 finally agrees to get dressed, run around frantically getting everything ready for school.
8.15 - Go to the car. Son 1 insists on using his umbrella to walk 3 metres, this pokes me in the eye. Son 2 wants to go another direction, not towards the car. Carry screaming Son 2 to the car along with keys, Son 1's bag and my bag. Arms ache.
8.30 - Get to school, no parking, park in permit holders only bit. Drop Son 1 off, Son 2 struggling the whole time. Get back to car, have a parking ticket.
8.45 - Get home, frantically put dishwasher on, put some washing on, the whole time shouting "boo" to Son 2 and carrying him/entertaining him. Give in and give him a biscuit. Go to the toilet, Son 2 wants to sit on my knee. Great.
9.30 - Go to a toddler group. Stop other toddlers trying to kill my son whilst their mothers chat to each other. Talk to other children, teach them manners etc.
11.30 - Get in car to pick up Son 1. Son 2 instantly falls asleep which vexes me greatly as he hasn't eaten lunch yet. Pick up Son 1 - am handed about 15 toilet rolls inside a plastic box and am informed proudly it is a "LifeBoat". Sarcastically thank the teacher.
I can't go on, it's too depressing. I need to go back to work for a rest.